This really struck me because I have had such a moment recently, and back in the fall of 2009, and for an extended period in 1998. I want to analyze these episodes. I want to find a way to make them the NORM, not the exception.
The earliest one arrived immediately on my decision to become a kidney donor. It felt like I was locked in a Star Trek tractor beam of holy protection. My whole body felt strong, as though I had a brand new super-hero body. My personal energy was so radiant I hardly recognized myself. There was a pervasive sense of 'divinity in charge' that had a visible effect on those I encountered. It lasted for about 7 months (from decision, through surgery, to full recovery). Back in the everyday drainage of work, I could feel the magic fading by the day.
In 2009 my experience was while alone traveling in the mountains, overwhelmed by day after day of glorious fall color. That glow lasted about a year, supplying enough energy to paint nearly every day, way early in the morning and again after dinner. It was a productive year.
The recent episode bloomed from a chance comment by a coworker which validated my unique value in a team...something that is impossible to describe in a resume. Moments later my boyfriend came to the office door. He stepped back with 'shock and awe' at the magnetic person before him.That glow lasted for two weeks. It continues to flicker on and off, usually when I am volunteering time and creativity with my local artist group. No, it's not for painting. They value my writing, marketing, and technology skills...and I feel empowered, loving, and happy there for now.
These are what the Course in Miracles would call miracle moments: the experience of a profound shift in consciousness. In mythological terms, I describe this state as 'Cinderella at the Ball'....while her daily truth is more 'Cinderella in Coal Dust'.
What is banished in each and every episode is...fear, the low-grade, constant white-noise of fear. Fear of what? Well, mine is fear of not being able to remain gainfully employed into my old age and fear of not maintaining or even gaining value in the work world. Years ago that fear was framed as fear of failure or fear of rejection...but always because the risk of not measuring up was 'the end of life as you knew it' and the attendant downward spiral.
It seems I am crediting that fear with not merely my survival, but also with making me exceptional. I learned to give 100% of myself to a well-fitting job. I discovered the joy of doing exceptional work. Well, I'll give credit where it is due. But now that such experience is part of my habit, the white-noise is beginning to be offensive. NOW, it is holding me back and I know what needs to be done. First, convince the lizard that it's time to upgrade the software.
What is that software? Another round of the Course in Miracles Workbook for Students. This is an amazing course. Once you get past the first couple weeks of lizard resistance, it's a wipe-off, wipe-on reprogramming of a very general nature. Each wipe is for an incredibly thin layer of perspective. There are 10 steps, repeated over and over in amplified variations and reviews, like a spiral staircase that passes through a column of 10 beams of colored light. The Course is the sort of book you can pick up and restart even after years on the shelf. Because it is so general, it is also specific to each reader. The Course led me out of a 26-year depression that began at the age of 6. It prepared me to identify and pursue big changes in my career path 17 years ago. Hmm. Looks like it has come a-knocking one more time.
Cinderella resolves to bridle the lizard and ride it to the Palace. I wish I was an illustrator.
Photo used under Creative Commons from mrkathika